Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
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I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
Ha
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order