@OhNoSheTwitnt: My desires are... unconventional. (Hands you a phone and makes you call my boss and quit my job for me)
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@Brampersandon_: FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life WIFE: our wedding day ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
@ruinedpicnic: Humans pretend to be smart but we still look at the ceiling when we hear a noise upstairs like we're suddenly gonna have x-ray vision
@2tickytacky: OMG. My wife's boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
@AnOrangeSNES: I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.