fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
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Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
Bond. Trauma bond.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
liiiiiiiiike
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
Interior design 👌
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.