“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
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Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
i will avenge u mr van gogh
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭