My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
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Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles