Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
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I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
Okay
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.