My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
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Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
Cake safety first. Always.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Hey i am sexy to you now
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”