My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
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I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.