GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
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*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.