Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
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“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
I have two kinds of followers
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika