My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
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10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.