My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
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wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.