My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
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me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there