@mikeym00n: my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
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@sarcasticmommy4: Kids: Yay! Summer break! Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to...THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017! *3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
@JVarsityCaptain: You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you're supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that's running just punkd you.
@ObscureGent: My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.