@mikeym00n: my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
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@DaddyJew: Cop: do you know why I pulled you over? Me: *super high* nice try, license and registration
@xysist: If Kim and Kanye name their next kid North West again, we can comfortably refer to the two as One Direction.
@Nikkeya08: Mom 1: My son's gonna be a pro baseball player Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison