my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
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Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
🤣😂🤣
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…