My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
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British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building