My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
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yes, those are my real potatoes.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
The happy life.. 😊
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
Has science gone too far?
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom