My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
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My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
May never get over this
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”