My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
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I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.