My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
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If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
getting corrected
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year