Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
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My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
I am yelling
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.