my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
You Might Also Like
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough