my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
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when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip