My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
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Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Got him!
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.