My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
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No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”