My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
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All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
#oldknees
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
How to draw a duck