My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
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[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
hackers play passwordle
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃