My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
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Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s