@Lexi__Alexandra: My doctor said i shouldn't just binge drink all weekend. I tried taking his advice but can't drink a bottle of Jack Daniels every day.
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@gerryhallcomedy: My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She'll have cereal.
@JohnLyonTweets: My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It's also raisin free. And cake free. OK it's just rum.
@Sarcasticsapien: I only discriminate against people who discriminate. I'm basically the Dexter of discrimination.
@BlondAmbitionTO: Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?