@Lexi__Alexandra: My doctor said i shouldn't just binge drink all weekend. I tried taking his advice but can't drink a bottle of Jack Daniels every day.
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@BlindChow: *man choking* Is there a doc in the house? *Dr Pepper rises* *searches man's pockets* Hey ur no doctor! *moustache falls off* *it's Mr Pibb*
@decentbirthday: judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling me: this is bullshit *from jacket* this is bullshit
@mommywhitfield: "Honey, don't try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree," is a thing I literally just said.