Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
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[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking