@Lexi__Alexandra: My doctor said i shouldn't just binge drink all weekend. I tried taking his advice but can't drink a bottle of Jack Daniels every day.
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@david8hughes: *puts spider in the ocean* "Now go free and flourish into an octopus." *cuts girl in half & puts in ocean* "Mermaid probably."
@CelebrityChez: There's no law that says you can't make a tiny swimming pool in your belly button for a gummy bear pool party.
@OhNoSheTwitnt: A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded "I don't post pictures of my food online" and I think she believed me.
@palokin: Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman's skin without sounding like I want to wear it