Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
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Message from the dog groomers
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
Beware of the “party goblin”…
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*