My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
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me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Dance like you’re not the father
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?