The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
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My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
OH. COME. ON.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.