Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
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How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
The hardest thing Vision has to do
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.