@Dawn_M_: My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
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@uberpaki: My fellow Canadians, Complain about the heat just *once* and it will get taken away from us. Don't be the reason we can't have nice things
@UncleDuke1969: Me: I haven’t tweeted in days. Wife: Oh no! Hold on… *opens laptop *types Wife: Phew! Me: What? Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
@mishakey: I can't help but notice that the Ninja Turtles never wash their hands before eating pizza in the sewer.