@Dawn_M_: My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
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@One_FineMess: My pup has now chewed up 4 welcome mats and I'm beginning to think she's more antisocial than I am.
@matt___nelson: [PetSmart] *approaches checkout with bird seed* "that all for you today?" Yes. How long does it usually take? "For what?" For them to grow
@iwearaonesie: wife: Why didn't you talk to me about getting a goat? me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
@JohnLyonTweets: Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.