My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
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Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*