My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
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My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty