[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
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[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents