“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
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If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone