@Haha_No_Mofo: My doctor told me, "DON'T mix this medicine with alcohol or you could wake up somewhere naked with a monkey on your arm." CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
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@iAmDelFreaky: <during sex> Me: Can we pretend I didn't just call you Uncle Joe? Her: Not sure, it's pretty disturbing. Uncle Joe: It didn't bother me.
@JennyJohnsonHi5: Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor's bedroom looks like a giant doily.
@thepunningman: Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox? Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox? P: I didnt- CK: I'm not Superman
@sammyrhodes: One of the best ways to prepare for marriage is to wait 15 minutes in your car before going anywhere.