@Haha_No_Mofo: My doctor told me, "DON'T mix this medicine with alcohol or you could wake up somewhere naked with a monkey on your arm." CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
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@Mr_Kapowski: ME: Do we have Bacon Bits? WIFE: Fridge. Why? ME: *filling pockets* No reason *dog park* PERSON: Sorry. He's normally behaved ME: No prob
@withanewname: Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
@StellaRtwot: Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you're doing it.