I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
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We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
Cndnsd Mlk
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.