me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
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8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
Only a mother’s love …
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it