It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
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Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
how much does a mortician urn in a year
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
Oh the world we live in…
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them