Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
You Might Also Like
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that鈥檚 not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you鈥檙e now dead to me.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don鈥檛 say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I鈥檝e been better.
Ha.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok鈥 totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine鈥ut that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
Cop: Ma鈥檃m, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I鈥檝e been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I鈥檝e never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You鈥檙e going to give me a ticket, aren鈥檛 you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
boeing: you can鈥檛 bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: 鈥F they fall off, it won鈥檛 be because of shampoo
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
Sticker placement is key.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
Gorilla vs. cold water 馃槀
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what鈥檚 their favorite season and he said garlic powder 馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.