My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
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One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
guys I’m going home
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Seas the day!!!!
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.