My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
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My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.