My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
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Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
*struts into the new year
~ trips
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl