My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
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I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.