@dumbbeezie: My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I'll probably live a long life. I'm taking the news pretty hard
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@heytherecore: Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: "Probably not bees," says one scientist. "Dear god what if it's bees?"
@FunkyFresh_79: Operator: 911 what's your emergency? Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I'M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
@ObscureGent: My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.