@Shira: My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
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@gobmentcheese: Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
@JosesLovesYou: So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says "hey, why the wrong face?"
@honeybadgerMel: I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I'm pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
@roostermustache: Me: yah after the car accident i can barely raise my arm Lawyer: how high could u raise it before Me:*raises arm over head* like this high