Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
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I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.