tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
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Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.