Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
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Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year