It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
You Might Also Like
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.