I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
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I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
True.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.