My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
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How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”